Peace Out Suckas!

I’m blowing this popsicle joint!  Don’t worry you’ll see me again.  Just follow me to my new blogger page.  It’s super cute, and there will be cash & prizes! Well a prize, but it’s an awesome one!  What are you waiting for!  Go, go, go!!!

 

Only Loser Blog On Friday Night

HellooOOH!  Anyone?  Nobody?… Hmm, strange.  Must be at the Star Wars premiere… but that’s only 5 hours tops.  What about the rest of the weekend?  Where does the blogosphere go?  Do you honestly expect me to believe you’re leaving for the Hamptons?  Jogging with McConaughey in the Bu?  Liar!  Malibu has a strict No Blogger policy.  

I have fun family time, church, errands,parties but that only accounts for 5 hours, 6 at most.  The rest of the time I sit here occasionally glancing at my new limb, waiting for a fresh post, wondering where you’ve gone.  If I had to guess I’d say you were-

• Photoshopping some old vacation pics for Mondays post entitled Wild Waikiki Weekend
• Downloading the latest widgets designed to maximize your blogging pleasure extremely to the max
• Sitting at your computer wondering where everyone has gone

If you should happen to relate with the latter, I’d like to hear your theory on where all the geeks have gone.  Together we can solve this mystery.

 

Is It Possible My Kids Aren’t As Cute As I Think They Are?

I know that the 40-something divorcee across the street has gone black, and is NOT going back.  I know that the creepy jerk that lives next to her wishes she would go back, and I’m almost positive that the guys in the corner house have an illegal grow operation in their living room. (why else would they have florescent lighting?)  Granted these are merely observations I’ve made in the short walk from my front door to my car, but I’m certain they’re accurate.   

Still, I wish I knew more about my neighbors.  I wish I knew why that chick two doors down insists on greeting me with the stink eye.  I wish I knew why the guys with the illegal grow op don’t drive better cars, and I wish I knew where the hefty 4 year old girl that referred to my baby as “ugly” lived.  Ugly! My baby? Thems fightin words!  Ain’t no shame in my game, I’m throwin’ down with this brat ☟

 Me- Ugly?  Did you say my baby is ugly?

Brat- (twirling her evil moustache) Yeah, look at his hair! (giggle, giggle)

Me to husband- HOLD ME BACK!

Husband-(holding me back) She’s only 4 leave her alone

Me-  Yeah, but she’s got big bones and that cast on her arm qualifies as a weapon.  It’s a fair fight!

Husband- Isn’t Project Runway on right now?

Me- (No idea it’s only 6 pm)  Oh yeah! (turn towards the brat as I walk in the house) THIS ISN’T OVER PUNK!

Ohh, don’t say it.  I’m embarrassed for me.  Imagine a grown ass woman picking a fight with a kid, while her children look on.  It’s over.  I’m squashing my beef with the kid.  Finito!  Word on the street is, she belongs to stink eye two doors down and she can totally kick my ass so it’s the smart thing to do.  BUT, if she should happen to ride her Razor down the street as I’m pulling out of the driveway, I can’t guarantee that my expired eyeglasses will see this portly target. MUA HA HA!  

Seriously though, I’m not crazy here, am I?  He’s gorgeous right?  

 

Chillax First Time Mommy, Just Chillax

It’s been four years since I first became a mom.  Four years since I added our pediatrician, 911, and our priest to the speed dial.  Four years since the baby book became one of my limbs.  Hiccup, baby book, bowel movement, baby book, blotchy redness, baby book. Baby book all the live long day.  

Today I would like to tell that crazy, nervous, overprotective first time mom, to CHILLAX! ( that’s chill and relax at the same time)   Don’t make him do the laundry again, I’m sure Tide is just like Dreft detergent.  Think of the Dreftless kids in Africa, they survive.  Special baby laundry detergent is a scam!

Think about it, don’t be crazy.  That Pottery Barn crib bedding costs more than your bedding!  YOU are potty trained, and you hardly ever puke in your sleep anymore.  Pottery Barn bedding for you, Target bedding for the baby, that’s the smart way to go.

Oh and I’ve looked in to putting a tracking device on that sacred pacifier.  It’s a smart investment.  I know you thought it would be real cute to buy a pacifier in every color to coordinate with his outfits, but he only likes the one with that creepy bunny on it.  Creepy bunny pacifier is your friend, guard it with your life!

Finally, stop looking ahead to the day he walks, the day he talks, the day he is self sufficient.  Enjoy that you are his everything.  Carry and cradle him every chance you get,  because if you try that when he’s 4 you’re gonna get bitch slapped!  

Happy Birthday baby boy.

 

Important Disclaimer☞ I think your a bad ass all up in Mr. McGreggors garden Peter rabbit.   Not a bit creepy, not really.  Just a joke, you understand.

 

Later that day☟

 ☜Waiting for their ride to Chuck E. Cheese

Cake and presents ☟

 

 

 

 

Gravity Is My Homeboy

My kids have been uncharacteristically coordinated around my Flip video camera.  Good for them, bad for my dreams of YouTube fame and fortune.  I had a great vision for my thousand part series entitled I laugh When They Fall, but what can I do?  Gravity is their new homeboy, except of course when daddy’s in charge.

 

  

⇧This is what happens when daddy’s in charge.  The most glorious busted lip to date.  I can’t help but laugh when I see him.  It’s fantastic!  From some angles he looks just like Roxie Hart.  Other times I see Clark Gable.

I’m sure you’re thinking I’m a terrible mother for laughing, but falls happen.  If your anything like mini me they happen often and without provocation.  No slippery floors or banana peels required, just a hefty dose of my clumsy gene.  I always rush to their aid.   Do a silly dance to stop the crying, apply Neosporin as needed, then laugh, away from them, quietly, with my hand over my mouth… Is that so bad?

 

Bernie and the Beach

Bernie ☟

 

 When my sons were newborns they responded to Bernie’s voice, that’s how much I loved this man. I chased his television show through every time slot change, I can recite his set from Kings of Comedy backwards, to say I’m a fan is an understatement.  He didn’t even have to speak to make me laugh.  The way he shifted his eyes, the way he grinned after a a punch line was comic perfection.  I am shocked an genuinely hurt by his loss and I can only hope that his death will bring his work the attention it has always deserved.

 

Beach ☟

 

 I want my sons to love our California as much as I do.  As you know most of it is sun, sand and surf. I cringe at the thought of prematurely aging skin, and sand on EVERYTHING.  Still once a year I suck it up and hit the beach with a smile and a thong bikini look ☟

 

It seems my sons are more like me than I thought. SCORE!

 

Beijing & Happy Hour

Beijing☟

Box of Kleenex ✔

Chinese/ English Dictionary ✔

Small American, Mexican, Colombian flags ✔✔✔

I’m ready!  I can’t wait to hear about the athlete that worked at Home Depot while training for the Olympics, supporting his mother, obtaining his Masters all without the support of his dead beat dad.  I’m ready to see the overwhelming joy in every moms eyes as they cheer their kids on in the stands, and I can’t wait for the opening ceremonies.  The cool outfits,the flags, the pride, the lighting of the torch.

Few people get exited about the Olympics anymore, but I love it.  I cry, I cheer, I cry some more.  By day 2 I’m like Crap is this still on!, but come closing ceremony I’m sad it’s over. 

Happy Hour☟

It probably isn’t wise of me to send the 2 readers I have away, but this was one of the best posts I’ll probably ever read.  It’s called I Miss U Pluto by Happy Hour Sue.  Very smart, and funny.  I’m sick I didn’t write it.  I don’t get any margaritas from Sue, I just want to share her brilliance. I hope you enjoy the Olympics, Happy Hour and your weekend.