I know that the 40-something divorcee across the street has gone black, and is NOT going back.  I know that the creepy jerk that lives next to her wishes she would go back, and I’m almost positive that the guys in the corner house have an illegal grow operation in their living room. (why else would they have florescent lighting?)  Granted these are merely observations I’ve made in the short walk from my front door to my car, but I’m certain they’re accurate.   

Still, I wish I knew more about my neighbors.  I wish I knew why that chick two doors down insists on greeting me with the stink eye.  I wish I knew why the guys with the illegal grow op don’t drive better cars, and I wish I knew where the hefty 4 year old girl that referred to my baby as “ugly” lived.  Ugly! My baby? Thems fightin words!  Ain’t no shame in my game, I’m throwin’ down with this brat ☟

 Me- Ugly?  Did you say my baby is ugly?

Brat- (twirling her evil moustache) Yeah, look at his hair! (giggle, giggle)

Me to husband- HOLD ME BACK!

Husband-(holding me back) She’s only 4 leave her alone

Me-  Yeah, but she’s got big bones and that cast on her arm qualifies as a weapon.  It’s a fair fight!

Husband- Isn’t Project Runway on right now?

Me- (No idea it’s only 6 pm)  Oh yeah! (turn towards the brat as I walk in the house) THIS ISN’T OVER PUNK!

Ohh, don’t say it.  I’m embarrassed for me.  Imagine a grown ass woman picking a fight with a kid, while her children look on.  It’s over.  I’m squashing my beef with the kid.  Finito!  Word on the street is, she belongs to stink eye two doors down and she can totally kick my ass so it’s the smart thing to do.  BUT, if she should happen to ride her Razor down the street as I’m pulling out of the driveway, I can’t guarantee that my expired eyeglasses will see this portly target. MUA HA HA!  

Seriously though, I’m not crazy here, am I?  He’s gorgeous right?  

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