Humor


I’m blowing this popsicle joint!  Don’t worry you’ll see me again.  Just follow me to my new blogger page.  It’s super cute, and there will be cash & prizes! Well a prize, but it’s an awesome one!  What are you waiting for!  Go, go, go!!!

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HellooOOH!  Anyone?  Nobody?… Hmm, strange.  Must be at the Star Wars premiere… but that’s only 5 hours tops.  What about the rest of the weekend?  Where does the blogosphere go?  Do you honestly expect me to believe you’re leaving for the Hamptons?  Jogging with McConaughey in the Bu?  Liar!  Malibu has a strict No Blogger policy.  

I have fun family time, church, errands,parties but that only accounts for 5 hours, 6 at most.  The rest of the time I sit here occasionally glancing at my new limb, waiting for a fresh post, wondering where you’ve gone.  If I had to guess I’d say you were-

  • Photoshopping some old vacation pics for Mondays post entitled Wild Waikiki Weekend
  • Downloading the latest widgets designed to maximize your blogging pleasure extremely to the max
  • Sitting at your computer wondering where everyone has gone

If you should happen to relate with the latter, I’d like to hear your theory on where all the geeks have gone.  Together we can solve this mystery.

I know that the 40-something divorcee across the street has gone black, and is NOT going back.  I know that the creepy jerk that lives next to her wishes she would go back, and I’m almost positive that the guys in the corner house have an illegal grow operation in their living room. (why else would they have florescent lighting?)  Granted these are merely observations I’ve made in the short walk from my front door to my car, but I’m certain they’re accurate.   

Still, I wish I knew more about my neighbors.  I wish I knew why that chick two doors down insists on greeting me with the stink eye.  I wish I knew why the guys with the illegal grow op don’t drive better cars, and I wish I knew where the hefty 4 year old girl that referred to my baby as “ugly” lived.  Ugly! My baby? Thems fightin words!  Ain’t no shame in my game, I’m throwin’ down with this brat ☟

 Me- Ugly?  Did you say my baby is ugly?

Brat- (twirling her evil moustache) Yeah, look at his hair! (giggle, giggle)

Me to husband- HOLD ME BACK!

Husband-(holding me back) She’s only 4 leave her alone

Me-  Yeah, but she’s got big bones and that cast on her arm qualifies as a weapon.  It’s a fair fight!

Husband- Isn’t Project Runway on right now?

Me- (No idea it’s only 6 pm)  Oh yeah! (turn towards the brat as I walk in the house) THIS ISN’T OVER PUNK!

Ohh, don’t say it.  I’m embarrassed for me.  Imagine a grown ass woman picking a fight with a kid, while her children look on.  It’s over.  I’m squashing my beef with the kid.  Finito!  Word on the street is, she belongs to stink eye two doors down and she can totally kick my ass so it’s the smart thing to do.  BUT, if she should happen to ride her Razor down the street as I’m pulling out of the driveway, I can’t guarantee that my expired eyeglasses will see this portly target. MUA HA HA!  

Seriously though, I’m not crazy here, am I?  He’s gorgeous right?  

It’s been four years since I first became a mom.  Four years since I added our pediatrician, 911, and our priest to the speed dial.  Four years since the baby book became one of my limbs.  Hiccup, baby book, bowel movement, baby book, blotchy redness, baby book. Baby book all the live long day.  

Today I would like to tell that crazy, nervous, overprotective first time mom, to CHILLAX! ( that’s chill and relax at the same time)   Don’t make him do the laundry again, I’m sure Tide is just like Dreft detergent.  Think of the Dreftless kids in Africa, they survive.  Special baby laundry detergent is a scam!

Think about it, don’t be crazy.  That Pottery Barn crib bedding costs more than your bedding!  YOU are potty trained, and you hardly ever puke in your sleep anymore.  Pottery Barn bedding for you, Target bedding for the baby, that’s the smart way to go.

Oh and I’ve looked in to putting a tracking device on that sacred pacifier.  It’s a smart investment.  I know you thought it would be real cute to buy a pacifier in every color to coordinate with his outfits, but he only likes the one with that creepy bunny on it.  Creepy bunny pacifier is your friend, guard it with your life!

Finally, stop looking ahead to the day he walks, the day he talks, the day he is self sufficient.  Enjoy that you are his everything.  Carry and cradle him every chance you get,  because if you try that when he’s 4 you’re gonna get bitch slapped!  

Happy Birthday baby boy.

 

Important Disclaimer☞ I think your a bad ass all up in Mr. McGreggors garden Peter rabbit.   Not a bit creepy, not really.  Just a joke, you understand.

 

Later that day☟

 ☜Waiting for their ride to Chuck E. Cheese

Cake and presents ☟

 

 

 

My kids have been uncharacteristically coordinated around my Flip video camera.  Good for them, bad for my dreams of YouTube fame and fortune.  I had a great vision for my thousand part series entitled I laugh When They Fall, but what can I do?  Gravity is their new homeboy, except of course when daddy’s in charge.

 

  

⇧This is what happens when daddy’s in charge.  The most glorious busted lip to date.  I can’t help but laugh when I see him.  It’s fantastic!  From some angles he looks just like Roxie Hart.  Other times I see Clark Gable.

I’m sure you’re thinking I’m a terrible mother for laughing, but falls happen.  If your anything like mini me they happen often and without provocation.  No slippery floors or banana peels required, just a hefty dose of my clumsy gene.  I always rush to their aid.   Do a silly dance to stop the crying, apply Neosporin as needed, then laugh, away from them, quietly, with my hand over my mouth… Is that so bad?

Beijing☟

Box of Kleenex ✔

Chinese/ English Dictionary ✔

Small American, Mexican, Colombian flags ✔✔✔

I’m ready!  I can’t wait to hear about the athlete that worked at Home Depot while training for the Olympics, supporting his mother, obtaining his Masters all without the support of his dead beat dad.  I’m ready to see the overwhelming joy in every moms eyes as they cheer their kids on in the stands, and I can’t wait for the opening ceremonies.  The cool outfits,the flags, the pride, the lighting of the torch.

Few people get exited about the Olympics anymore, but I love it.  I cry, I cheer, I cry some more.  By day 2 I’m like Crap is this still on!, but come closing ceremony I’m sad it’s over. 

Happy Hour☟

It probably isn’t wise of me to send the 2 readers I have away, but this was one of the best posts I’ll probably ever read.  It’s called I Miss U Pluto by Happy Hour Sue.  Very smart, and funny.  I’m sick I didn’t write it.  I don’t get any margaritas from Sue, I just want to share her brilliance. I hope you enjoy the Olympics, Happy Hour and your weekend.

Our 8 week search for a second car has finally ended.   I took my dads advice and shopped private-party before visiting a dealership and I have to say it was an adventure I don’t look forward to taking again. Come along☟

1st prospective buy- 1998 Subaru station wagon in San Diego 

Price- $2,500 obo, $1,200 below KBB

Seller Rob- 20-something,  claimed the car was clean, priced well, and well worth the 2 hour drive.  We met at the curb outside his home, and by his home I mean the car, because he was clearly living in it.  PASS!

2nd prospective buy- 1999 Subaru station wagon in Redlands

Price- $3,000 obo $800 below KBB

Seller Jared-20-something, surfer type.  He met us in swim trunks and flip flops and because I’m confident my husband won’t read this I have to say Mama likee!  in the parking lot of his apartment complex.  Clean car, as described, priced well, the catch☞ we had to leave him a deposit and let him keep the car until he left for Texas the following week.  PASS!

3rd prospective buy- 1999 Honda Accord in Temecula

price- $3,000 FIRM, No Low Ballerzz???

Seller Ted-20-something, very blingy, lots of hair gel, maybe a gold tooth, this type. We met in the Albertsons parking lot.  The car looked like it may have been spray painted 15 minutes before we arrived, but the low miles were a plus.  ” Pink slip?” 

” Yeah about that…I don’t have it on me but I’ll bring it to your home tommorrow.”  Mm hmm is that before or after the sheriff tows the stolen car from our driveway?  PASS!

4th prospective buy 1998 Acura CL in Indio

Price $2,500 obo, $2,000 below KBB!

Seller Alicia and Mike-30-somethings, married, with a BIG puppy dog.  She’s Polish and lovely, he’s mid-western but without the obnoxious accent.  They invite the 5 of us in to their new home, offer water, and popsicles for the kids.  Their decor says they’ve been to Africa once or twice, and that’s always impressive.  They offer to keep the kids while we take the car out for a drive.  WHO DOES THAT?   I didn’t take them up on their offer, but for a fleeting moment I envisioned the two of us ditching the kids, the mini van, and boarding the next flight to Malawia, for our own African decor, and maybe one of those hip Madonna babies.

They let us have the car for $2,000 cash, which they didn’t even count.  They drew up a bill of sale that said we payed $500 so we could save on taxes.  The car is nice, NOT a mini van, and made the drive home from Indio in tact.  

It was 101 degrees at 9pm at Alicia and Mikes house, which may explain their lack of neighbors but I’d love to fill that role.  They were that kind of people, good, blog worthy, and apparently completely unaware of the Kelley Blue Book value of their car.  SCORE!

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