A while back I joked about my sons being the future Jonas Brothers.  The truth is, I would never feel comfortable exploiting my children that way.  Placing them on display for the whole world to judge.   It makes me sick.  Just sick.  That said, I don’t even know why I keep comparing them.  Frankly, my kids have more talent in their diapers than all those Jonas boys combined.  It’s the truth.  

I can make you wait until their first album drops in 10 years to prove it, but what kind of host would I be?  Please indulge me by watching 30 seconds of the mind blowing talent that is my sons… do yourself a favor and stick around for the baby’s big finish (reminds me of my “working the cage” days).  

 

* For the record I never ever worked the cage… I don’t even know what that means really… I’m why sexy left.

I’m so glad you’re here.  I’ve waited so long for you.  I have such high hopes for us, it’s unfair really.  Today you’ll live in my pocket, my purse, my Mac, but eventually I’ll move on, and so will you.  I expect you’ll live in the junk drawer for a few months. Gradually you’ll make your way to the kids toy box, first the indoor one, then the outdoor one.  

One day I’ll discover you near the dog’s bed chewed up beyond recognition, and for a moment I’ll be truly sad. Then I’ll shrug my shoulders and dismiss the pain with the same reasoning that brought you in my life “Oh well, It’s only 140 bucks.”  And when I’m old and sick and the only medication that makes life bearable costs exactly that, I’ll remember you as a waste of money. 

Not today my Flip.  Today you’re just a glorious waste of my time, and I love you.  Welcome to the family.

Please indulge me by watching this 12 second gem.  It’s the first installment of what will likely be a thousand part series I call-

I laugh when they fall☟ 


 Hey.  Today is my first birthday, whatever that means.  

My folks are throwing me one hot mess of a party this Saturday.  Not sure what that is either, but I’m guessing I’ll sleep through the whole thing.  That’s how I do thangs.

Don’t tell dad, but I heard mommy say she’s droppin’ some serious coin on this shin dig.

I think she should deposit that money in my savings bond or a high yielding long term CD, but mommy knows what’s up.  She’s always reading this book with some blonde lesbian on the cover.  What’s her name?  Susy… Suze…Orma… lesbian… I’m not sure.

Hmmm K, I gotta go pretend peekaboo with the laptop screen is still funny.  It’s not sexy, but it pays for the Teddy Grahams.  Peace suckas.  Holla at yo boi!

 

Important Disclaimer☞Some of my best friends are lesbians

 

It's the start of birthday season, and I've made the same mistake I make every year.  I went too big.  Which means the parties that follow will have to equal or surpass this event or people are going to talk.  Ahh the casualties of parenthood.

He likes fire trucks.  Obsessed.  They’re big, red, shiny, I get it.  I get it.

Sorry if your invite was lost in the mail.  Here’s a peek at what you missed. 

 “When I grow up, I’m going to me a movie star, and an ambassador for the U.N, and a mommy, and OH OH   I’m going to have twins.  a boy and a girl.”    Any girl that has ever been 6 has likely spoken those very words. ” I’m having twins a boy and a girl.”  

Silly girl, that’s like the baby jackpot.  It’s not something you can arrange, or plan or pay for. Right Julia, J-Lo and Angelina?  Any one else suspicious of the Hollywood stork?

Custom Adidas, just one of the many perks that come with being my son.  His hair was flat ironed the day he posed for this cartoon.  He’s my 3rd son, hence the 3 on his soccer jersey.  Argentina Soccer’s his favorite.  They turned out nicely, no?  

Adidas liked them so much they have made them widely available at most retailers.  For the common people.  You know.

 

Have you caught me staring?  Trust me, I’m not looking at your baby.  I’m checking out their ride, the cup holder, the storage basket, the brand, I’m obsessed.  I have 5 strollers, 3 kids, 2 of them can walk. Obsessed.  I stare at the ride, glance at the chauffeur and draw the following conclusions☟

What your stroller says about you

  

If you have one of these $1000+ Bugaboo or Stokke strollers, you probably want me to believe you’re rich.  I don’t.  I think you’re pretentious and in credit card debt, and if  I have another baby I’m SOOO getting one of these!!

Flimsy $5 umbrella stroller?  You’re a bad mother.  That’s it.  Bad.

Have a Graco, Safety 1st, Target floor model?  You fly under the radar.  I don’t really have an opinion of you.

Peg Perego, Inglesina, Maclaren.  We’re on the same stroller page.  I want to meet you at Gymboree and share an Auntie Anne’s pretzel afterwards.  Let’s be friends.

To solidify you’re ” This girl needs a life” impression of me, I’d like to share one of my favorite sites that is bookmarked on all of my browsers.

Super cool baby- stroller porn