In February my husband bought me a pilates reformer☞.  I know what you’re thinking, Wow he buys you a lot of stuff.  The fact is, most of the time he doesn’t know he’s buying a lot of stuff.  Most of the time he believes my broke ass sister is generous and giving.  She just bought me a Flip video camera! Can you believe that? (he did)  Camera, shoes, clothes.  Sister, sister, sister.                                                                                                               For  everything else, there’s Master Manipulation☟

Me-  I’m thinking if I get it now I’ll probably be in a bikini by July

Husband- (clearly not listening to me) Umhum

Me- Maybe sooner then July. I read Gwyneth Paltrow said it only took 10 weeks to reshape her whole body on that thing, so probably by April.  Bikini in April.

Husband-(still not listening) Hmm

Me-  So will you go pick it up now. Can you go today?  You can go alone.  I’ll stay here with the kid, you go by yourself. Yeah? Please, Go, all alone, by yourself.

Husband- (no reply) Car keys, front pocket.  Wallet, back pocket.  Cell phone, jacket pocket. Door, SLAM! Minivan, “VROOM!”  Kids,CRY!

It won’t surprise you to learn that I just started using my reformer what with 3 boys to look after, meals to prepare, floors to clean.  Who wears a bikini in April anyway?  

Gwyneth Paltrow said 10 weeks, so I thought May. Start in May, bikini by July. Then I thought You have NEVER in your whole entire life worn a bathing suit let alone a bikini.  Why now? Why postpartum?  This is about your health not bikini, not Gwyneth Paltrow, that’s the reasoning that ultimately got me on the thing by mid July.

After 3 days of use I found the reformer to be quite difficult and a bit hurty.  My fingers still ache, and my back gets stiff when the air conditioning is on.  It wont say that in my Craigslist ad though, that will read a little more like this☟

For Sale-Pilates Reformer Excellent Used Condition

This is the machine that all the celebrities use.  Guaranteed to reshape your body in 10 weeks.  Absolutely the best workout machine I’ve ever used complete w/ cardio board and dvd.  I hate to get rid of it, but we’re moving and we can’t take it with us.  No reasonable offer refused.  Please call and if a male voice answers hang up and call again.

  vs.

Me-Why’d you change the channel?!?

Andres-  Your on the computer!

Me-but I was watching that…

Andres- When have you ever made anything you’ve seen on the Food Network?  WHEN?

Me-  Oh and your going to outer space?  With the money you win on Cash Cab you’re going to outer space!

TKO 

   

A few years back the Speed Channel dissapeared of the face of our t.v.  My husband, the only Formula 1 fan in the country, was devastated.  I on the other hand, was tickled.  It was one of those moments when you look to the sky, wink and say “Wow Jesus, you really are my homie.”

 

Well it seems my homie finally realized my husband’s the better Christian, because he gave him his Speed Channel back this weekend.  Arg! I can just picture the two of them doing the Shake and Bake.

  

 

 

 

 


I gave birth to 3 boys in as many years, and lately I’ve noticed that my family attracts a lot of stares when we’re out. I’ve had perfect strangers ask me if the oldest are twins, if one’s a nephew, if I’m running a day care.   I’m extremely self conscious and a bit of a prude, so you can imagine the anguish this causes.  I know they’re really thinking that we’re probably on welfare, that our t.v is at the pawn shop, that we’re Catholic.  Mortifying!  

You know how we all want to believe that our parents only had sex to procreate, I’d very much like it if people thought that of me.  I’m why sexy left.  

 

 

 

(Think I’ll make it happen by rocking some flair)

 

  

 

Gas has gotten so expensive,  rap stars have started drinking it. ( 5O cents house burned to the ground!)

      Today we celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary, and the rising cost of gas reminds me of a good ol’ friend, that almost stood between us and the altar.

That ✐ is a picture of my husbands first car.
The car that filled up with 15 bucks twice a month.
The car I was too cool to be seen in.
The car I made him get rid of.
The car I miss very much.

 

 For 6 years our marriage has been plagued by one standing argument over cereal.  Yes, cereal.  He insists that only one box be open at a time.  He patrols the kitchen nightly, running his hand along the top of all the boxes.  ” You opened another box? GISH!”  

I like my Jerry Seinfeld collection.  The high sugar kid cereal (I eat), the high fiber stuff (no one eats), the organic one for the kids.  All open, all the time.  

 If I were on MTV cribs it’s the first thing I’d show off.  I’d open the pantry doors wide, tap each box while saying ” Honey Bunches of Oats, Lucky Charms, Fiber One, THAT’S JUST HOW WE DO THANGS!” (turn towards the camera and point) “IF YOU DON’T HAVE 20 BOXES OF CEREAL THAN YOU AIN’T DOIN’ IT, YA HEARD!” ” NOW GET OUT!” ✌